My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just pee around me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
