I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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