Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
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i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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