apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
