I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we're making bets on your personal life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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