you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
