my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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