everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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