I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
