OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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