Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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