My hand turned me down
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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