just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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