mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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