I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
