my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
