Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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