That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
