My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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