Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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