Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
