I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
