this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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