just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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