My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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