I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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