Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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