He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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