Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
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Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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