...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
