yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
