he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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