tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
