it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
