Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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