the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.