if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
