The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
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Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.