I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dating After Heartbreak
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot