There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
