Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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