My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
