In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
