I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
