$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
only you would photoshop your dick
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
