hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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