Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
