the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
