It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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