she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
