My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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