Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
