I cannot find my penis.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize