Your face is a jimmy john
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!