fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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