I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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