apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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