I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Barsexuality is the new black.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
